Those of you who are parents already know this, and will be amused. Those of you who aren't parents, don't want to be parents, and are only interested in parenting in terms of how annoying other people's kids are may find it illuminating.
So, here's the deal. Sometimes you get it right by mistake. Sometimes you get it wrong, also by mistake. And most of the time it works out fine anyway because kids are resilient and they aren't looking for the long-term implications of your parenting episodes. They're living in the moment and they don't really brood over the disappointments that you dish out.
The other day, my son (2.5 years old) was being an exceptionally good sport about hanging out with me waiting for this (benefit) meal to be served. He'd had about enough of the bread and hummus at-the-table food and was basically starting to get antsy. The meal was about ready to be served and the emcee called for us to say grace.
Normally the little guy is pretty good about grace...time to pray, be quiet, all that. But this time he was across the table from me and there was nobody next to him who could quietly react to his second-by-second actions should a reaction be required. I was a little bit tied up with the 10 month old and knew I couldn't really reach him if he did something really scary like stand up on the folding chair -- so I was in that horrible parenting state of hypervigilance with no real hope of effective response should things go wrong on a toddler time frame.
He turned around in the middle of the prayer and said "hi!" with this huge infectious grin. What did dad do? I shushed him. That's what you do to kids when they talk out during prayers, right? I watched my little guy's face crumble and saw him melt back into the chair. It kills me even now, a week later. He couldn't care less, naturally. No visible lasting repercussions from this instant in time where I blew it.
But it has changed me. I'm slower to respond now. I think "is this really something to respond negatively to? Should I shush a kid for being happy and wanting to say 'hi'?" I get that kids shouldn't annoy others during social events -- especially ones that aren't really kid-oriented. This one had a LOT of kids there, but, so far as I can tell, mine was the only one who wanted to say howdy during the grace. It's expected that parents shush their kids when the adults are being quiet and concentrating, right?
Well, that's wrong, wrong, wrong! I'm reasonably sure that God thinks the joyous expressions of a 2.5 year old are worth more than even a heart-felt prayer intoned by some speaker at a benefit. Sure, it was an important cause, and yes, the people there were devout and in a spiritual frame of mind. But I wasn't. I was stressing over whether my kid would fold himself up in a chair and I was cursing my own lack of proactiveness that would've plopped him into a seat I could reach quickly anyway. And I reacted out of that stress and concern for social norms rather than anything that was related to God or my child. I was just being the parent that (I internally thought...based on social training) I thought other people in the room expected me to be.
And who really wants to be THAT parent? Yes, shaping our kids to fit into society is an important lesson that responsible parents teach their children. But unconsciously doing it? Where's the awesome in that?
Parenting is tiring and confusing work. Nobody can be "on" all the time and never make a mistake. But parenting by instincts isn't really the right way either. It requires more consciousness than most of us are used to putting into our instant-by-instant lives. And yet, we do try. And we think about it, and obsess over it. And next time I'm going to have a little filter there that says "would a smile and nod work here?" And I hope the answer is "yes" or at least "couldn't hurt to try it."
Anyway...he's just fine. My worries about hammering a dread social anxiety disorder into him seem overblown. He has given me plenty of opportunities to smile and nod versus frown or shush. I love that about him.
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Sorry Bob. I disagree. Had I been a guest at the same dinner, I would have internally cheered you for instilling appropriate behavior in your son during the prayer.
ReplyDeleteYour concern about hurting his feelings is admirable. You could take him aside afterward, explain (in simple terms) that you didn't want to hurt his feelings and were happy to say 'hi' now, but during that moment, it wasn't okay. I suspect your son is bright enough, even at his age, that he'd get the gist of it.
I've seen way too many parents be okay with an inappropriate action on the part of their child. Each time the child learns something is "okay" it will likely be repeated. The next time it is repeated, it may be taken to another level. The child tests the limits of "okay." A "hi" becomes loud giggling or a full-blown rendition of "Happy Birthday" for the entertainment of all onlookers.
I can't think of a time when a toddler would want to be shushed. Does that mean we'll never do it because it would hurt their feelings? Or does that mean we'll stop and explain it to them later, and show them overwhelming amounts of love, patience, and understanding when we aren't correcting behavior? I vote for the second one.
No, I don't think God would mind a heartfelt "hi" during a prayer. But reinforcing social norms will make a child's life so much easier in the years to come, at school, friends' houses, etc. And I think most parents' goal is to smooth the way for their children's futures, even if they have to get over a few bumps along the road first.
My opinion. I respect yours. I think some parents go too far in the other direction, as well, stifling every public expression of happiness for fear of what others think. Certainly, I worry that I tend that way. But I also deal with over a hundred kids a day, and wish some of their parents had taught them proper social behavior at an earlier age.
I agree, relax he's fine...we were always given the lecture BEFORE we went anywhere...be seen, not heard; mind your manners; don't embarrass us/me! We weren't scarred by THAT, the scars are from other stuff...we lived, so will he!
ReplyDeleteHey Bob, check out my wife's blog:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.darlingpetunia/blogspot.com
You know, I get that kids shouldn't be boisterous during certain times. The deal is, though, that smiling at him at that point would've probably worked to keep him quiet.
ReplyDeleteYes, smiling at him probably would have worked. But it's important to remember a couple of things: you didn't react "badly", you reacted appropriately; given time and the clarity of hindsight, it's easy to think up scenarios in which you could have done "better"; no one is perfect--while someone else may have reacted by smiling at their child in that situation, who's to say that they would react "perfectly" in another situation? My point is--relax! No damage done, don't spend so much time second guessing yourself!
ReplyDeleteThanks.
ReplyDeleteHey Gerry...your wife's crafts are really neat.
I had to fix the link you gave, though.
It's really http://darlingpetunia.blogspot.com
In spite of our best intentions, we will still mess up our kids in some way or other. We can just hope that our children will be resilient and forgiving. Love covers a lot of error.
ReplyDeletethanks for looking at it! she's quite proud of it and in turn I am quite proud of her! Did I ever mention to you that we met on the internet in 1996? At, like, the beginning of the internet, much less "internet dating"? She was PA and I was in CA...and it worked out...married 10 years this sept 28...moved to PA 11 years ago last month...
ReplyDelete